Jokes
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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Obscene Phone Call
"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the
menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."
Three American businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls.
They went in and were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheikh returned and caught them in the act.
He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a manner befitting their professions.
"What is your profession?" He asked the first guy.
"I'm a policeman", he replied.
"His Penis...Shoot it off!" the sheikh shrieked.
"You...What is your profession?" He then asked the second American.
"I'm a fireman.", he replied.
"His Penis...Burn it off!" he bellowed.
The third guy simply stood there smiling.
"Why are you smiling?...Never mind. What is your profession?", he asked.
He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so open end points toward ceiling.
-----SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
-----SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
-----SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
-----SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
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SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
-----SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
-----SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.